Today I realized something...
I truly am a new person in Christ.
I have heard that in church all of my life. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!" 2 Corinthians 5:17. I believed it, but for other people.
I have struggled with depression for a while, a long while. Sometimes severe, other times, just enough to keep me feeling weighed down and separated. There are several things to which I attribute this, but one has been with me since elementary school. A lack of a true friendship (spouse excluded). I had a "best friend," but I didn't exactly act like a friend. I was so caught up in my personal insecurities that I was blinded by jealousy. Looking back, it was really sad. By my freshman year, I was so caught up in myself and the things I couldn't do that I lost not just one friend, but many. Well, to be honest, it was more like ALL. And I had lost sight of myself.
Have you ever felt abandoned? I mean truly alone, with no one to listen to you, no one with whom you can talk, or vent, or laugh? That was me. Don't get me wrong, I had a very loving family (and then boyfriend, Erik). But they do not fill the same role as a best friend, or even just a friend. For years my friendships were short-lived and stressful! The stress of befriending someone and dealing with the agony of pressure for a perfect friendship was way too much for me. I came to fear, more than anything, rejection. I was convinced that God allowed me that pain so that I would learn to rely on no one but Him.
The years have gone by and I have continued to struggle, so much so that I stopped trying to find friends. I decided that it was easier to assume people were always going to think the worst of me and I could get off easy by not even trying. What was they point, anyway, if I was just going to get hurt in the end? I stopped talking to people and became a kind of hermit, always finding excuses with my husband or kids or whatever else I could think of.
But remember, this is the year of nothing. So I have been trying to focus on others, service, and how I can become more like Christ. I am a fan of facebook because I get to see the silly side of most of my friends and students. The great side-effect of that is I also get to keep up with some of my former schoolmates. As I said before, I had nearly lost all of my friends around the end of my freshman year. I decided a couple of years ago to invite one of them to be my friend because I wanted to see what she was up to, where she was, you know! And to be honest, I expected to be ignored. To my surprise, I was accepted and I have enjoyed watching her family grow and see her achieve some pretty amazing things. Then I noticed she was coming to Houston for a 2-month visit. Maybe I should invite her over!! Nah, she would never come and my house is not big enough and my kids are too loud, etc., etc., etc. A few days ago, I got an email from her asking for a visit. My first thought was literally, "Thank you God for a second chance!"
She and her beautiful children came today and spent several hours. I can honestly say that I was not nervous or jealous or worried about whether my house was perfect or my make-up was done or what my hair looked like. I just so wanted to see her and talk to her. None of that old insecurity was there. As we were talking, she actually brought up what had happened in high school, and I got the chance to apologize. I cannot tell you how long I had waited for that opportunity! And I heard something come out of my mouth that confirmed what Christ has been doing over the last several months..."I am really proud of who I have become." It wasn't said as a statement of pride, but to let her know that I have changed, that I am truly a new person. God had allowed me to prove who I had become and spend the afternoon serving this person whom I had wronged so many years ago. I was so humbled, not because I felt awkward, but was humbled by God finding me so important that he gave me a second chance so that He could show me what He has been doing.
I don't know that she'll ever quite understand the impact and sense of true happiness that she brought with her visit.
I pray that I am an encouragement to anyone who needs a second chance. The Lord is a great orchestrator and He wants you to rely on Him for everything you need. He truly is a God of second chances. If you remember, Adam and Eve screwed up on something like pg. 6 in the Bible and the rest of the Word is spent describing the human condition. But in every condition, in every circumstance, God was faithful. He is unmovable. I ask God that he show you how He can work in your life. In reading this, you have been prayed for!
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