Some of the Lord's most amazing lessons have come with great conviction. Not to mention humility. Isn't that always the way? God doesn't work that way to punish us, but to mold us into who we need to be. James 1:3 says that trials are for perseverance. It is a refiner's fire, like the story of the silversmith telling how he knows when silver is completely purified and when to remove it from the fire..."When I see my own image." That is how God works in us- he purifies, teaches, molds through trials, lessons, and the study of his Word- until we begin to be the image of Christ. It is safe to say that I am no where close to being purified and the full image of Christ, but I have been under fire for sure.
My son and I were reading out of the book of Numbers for his Bible lesson for school and one simple scripture left me awestruck. The scripture surrounds the story of the Israelites in the plains of Moab. Balak, king of the Moabites, who feared that the Israelites were too great in number and would take over his land. He sent word of this fear to Balaam, an oracle, so that Balaam could curse the Israelites. The Lord sent an angel to speak to Balaam (via a donkey) warning him against speaking any words against God's people. Balaam obeyed, and Balak was incensed. "Then Balak's anger burned against Balaam. He struck his hands together and said to him, 'I summoned you to curse my enemies, but you have blessed them these three times. Now leave at once and go home! I said I would reward you handsomely, but the Lord has kept you from being rewarded!" (Numbers 24:10-11) My internal jaw dropped! That one line spoke volumes to me, not just given my current (or impending) situation, but struck me to the core about the way I understand what it means to be handsomely rewarded.
If some of you are just reading my blog, it was started because of a call from God to support my husband and my family by being at home and giving up who I currently am for who God wants me to be. And I have spoken briefly about the burden that will put on us. Without going into great detail, I feel I need to give you a little more of the big picture. For those of you who don't know my family very well or have been out of touch with us for a time, Erik is the Worship Arts Director at Cypress United Methodist Church and I teach part-time (as of this year) at a small Christian school in Tomball, Texas. Most of you know that neither working in the ministry nor teaching at a private school equate to large salaries unless we're talking Willow Creek or Lakewood (the mega-churches in Chicago and Houston) or a prestigious private school like Episcopal High School. To be quite upfront, we make just enough. We are blessed that we have no consumer debt (other than our mortgage), but much of that is because Erik teaches music lessons privately on the side in addition to the lessons he teaches to raise money for his music ministry at the church. He works a 65-75 hour work week on average- give or take a few hours. Please DO NOT take mistake this for a complaint...far from it! I am just trying to lay out the big picture and how it relates to today's scripture.
Our schedule is...ummm...semi-organized chaos. That's the most accurate way I can describe it. He works Sunday-Thursday, and most Fridays and Saturdays in some capacity. Some days are 15 hour days. I work half-days Monday through Friday, then home-school in the afternoon. This doesn't account for handbells or carpooling or the other countless minor details like dinner, bathtime, etc. that make each day feel like whiplash. I am sure you can commiserate! At the end of each day, the way life is now, I can honestly say I do not spend enough time with my family. I do not spend quality time talking with my children, encouraging them, loving them or raising them. It's, "Hurry up! Get dressed! Finish your dinner! Get your work done! Let's go, we're running late!" My mother and father, who are at a point in their life where they should not have a schedule, live by our schedule. So, when Erik mentioned me staying at home, I am sure you can now see why it seemed like the right thing to do.
The reality is, however, that most days I want to scream, "But what about money? What about insurance?" And some days I do. Because, short of the Lord's provision, I have no idea how we are going to survive come January. But that is why the scripture in Numbers hit me so hard. "I said I would reward you handsomely, but the Lord has kept you from being rewarded!" The Lord doesn't keep up from rewards, his rewards are eternal. We so often, in fact probably most often, measure rewards by their immediacy and quantity. And sometimes an immediate and bountiful reward might be heaven-sent. But looking through the Bible, is that the way God usually works? He is ALWAYS faithful and an ever-present God, but let's look at the Israelites. Time and time again they complained and wanted Canaan YESTERDAY. They wanted to be rewarded in the short-term, but they couldn't be obedient in the short-term. On many occasions, God had to prove his presence to them. And that was always followed with an, "I told you so," by God. I don't want an "I told you so!" Had the Israelites been obedient in the short-term, it wouldn't have taken decades to reach the land that had been promised. I want to be obedient in the short-term so that I can reach the promised land.
I am no different than the Israelites, I am terrified! I will not have my job in January, our family will likely pay out-of-pocket for insurance with a decrease in family income, and I truly don't know how it's going to be done. But despite all of the fear, I know I am being obedient and that I am being refined. I also know that the work Erik does is beyond a paycheck and has eternal effects, whether it be at CUMC or elsewhere. As a Christian, I have hope in that which is eternal. Through our obedience I understand that our family will be handsomely rewarded. And I also know that God will give us provision as we obey. I look forward with great anticipation to the opportunity to share with you just how He does through this year of nothing.
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