Today I realized something...
I truly am a new person in Christ.
I have heard that in church all of my life. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!" 2 Corinthians 5:17. I believed it, but for other people.
I have struggled with depression for a while, a long while. Sometimes severe, other times, just enough to keep me feeling weighed down and separated. There are several things to which I attribute this, but one has been with me since elementary school. A lack of a true friendship (spouse excluded). I had a "best friend," but I didn't exactly act like a friend. I was so caught up in my personal insecurities that I was blinded by jealousy. Looking back, it was really sad. By my freshman year, I was so caught up in myself and the things I couldn't do that I lost not just one friend, but many. Well, to be honest, it was more like ALL. And I had lost sight of myself.
Have you ever felt abandoned? I mean truly alone, with no one to listen to you, no one with whom you can talk, or vent, or laugh? That was me. Don't get me wrong, I had a very loving family (and then boyfriend, Erik). But they do not fill the same role as a best friend, or even just a friend. For years my friendships were short-lived and stressful! The stress of befriending someone and dealing with the agony of pressure for a perfect friendship was way too much for me. I came to fear, more than anything, rejection. I was convinced that God allowed me that pain so that I would learn to rely on no one but Him.
The years have gone by and I have continued to struggle, so much so that I stopped trying to find friends. I decided that it was easier to assume people were always going to think the worst of me and I could get off easy by not even trying. What was they point, anyway, if I was just going to get hurt in the end? I stopped talking to people and became a kind of hermit, always finding excuses with my husband or kids or whatever else I could think of.
But remember, this is the year of nothing. So I have been trying to focus on others, service, and how I can become more like Christ. I am a fan of facebook because I get to see the silly side of most of my friends and students. The great side-effect of that is I also get to keep up with some of my former schoolmates. As I said before, I had nearly lost all of my friends around the end of my freshman year. I decided a couple of years ago to invite one of them to be my friend because I wanted to see what she was up to, where she was, you know! And to be honest, I expected to be ignored. To my surprise, I was accepted and I have enjoyed watching her family grow and see her achieve some pretty amazing things. Then I noticed she was coming to Houston for a 2-month visit. Maybe I should invite her over!! Nah, she would never come and my house is not big enough and my kids are too loud, etc., etc., etc. A few days ago, I got an email from her asking for a visit. My first thought was literally, "Thank you God for a second chance!"
She and her beautiful children came today and spent several hours. I can honestly say that I was not nervous or jealous or worried about whether my house was perfect or my make-up was done or what my hair looked like. I just so wanted to see her and talk to her. None of that old insecurity was there. As we were talking, she actually brought up what had happened in high school, and I got the chance to apologize. I cannot tell you how long I had waited for that opportunity! And I heard something come out of my mouth that confirmed what Christ has been doing over the last several months..."I am really proud of who I have become." It wasn't said as a statement of pride, but to let her know that I have changed, that I am truly a new person. God had allowed me to prove who I had become and spend the afternoon serving this person whom I had wronged so many years ago. I was so humbled, not because I felt awkward, but was humbled by God finding me so important that he gave me a second chance so that He could show me what He has been doing.
I don't know that she'll ever quite understand the impact and sense of true happiness that she brought with her visit.
I pray that I am an encouragement to anyone who needs a second chance. The Lord is a great orchestrator and He wants you to rely on Him for everything you need. He truly is a God of second chances. If you remember, Adam and Eve screwed up on something like pg. 6 in the Bible and the rest of the Word is spent describing the human condition. But in every condition, in every circumstance, God was faithful. He is unmovable. I ask God that he show you how He can work in your life. In reading this, you have been prayed for!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Delayed Riches
Some of the Lord's most amazing lessons have come with great conviction. Not to mention humility. Isn't that always the way? God doesn't work that way to punish us, but to mold us into who we need to be. James 1:3 says that trials are for perseverance. It is a refiner's fire, like the story of the silversmith telling how he knows when silver is completely purified and when to remove it from the fire..."When I see my own image." That is how God works in us- he purifies, teaches, molds through trials, lessons, and the study of his Word- until we begin to be the image of Christ. It is safe to say that I am no where close to being purified and the full image of Christ, but I have been under fire for sure.
My son and I were reading out of the book of Numbers for his Bible lesson for school and one simple scripture left me awestruck. The scripture surrounds the story of the Israelites in the plains of Moab. Balak, king of the Moabites, who feared that the Israelites were too great in number and would take over his land. He sent word of this fear to Balaam, an oracle, so that Balaam could curse the Israelites. The Lord sent an angel to speak to Balaam (via a donkey) warning him against speaking any words against God's people. Balaam obeyed, and Balak was incensed. "Then Balak's anger burned against Balaam. He struck his hands together and said to him, 'I summoned you to curse my enemies, but you have blessed them these three times. Now leave at once and go home! I said I would reward you handsomely, but the Lord has kept you from being rewarded!" (Numbers 24:10-11) My internal jaw dropped! That one line spoke volumes to me, not just given my current (or impending) situation, but struck me to the core about the way I understand what it means to be handsomely rewarded.
If some of you are just reading my blog, it was started because of a call from God to support my husband and my family by being at home and giving up who I currently am for who God wants me to be. And I have spoken briefly about the burden that will put on us. Without going into great detail, I feel I need to give you a little more of the big picture. For those of you who don't know my family very well or have been out of touch with us for a time, Erik is the Worship Arts Director at Cypress United Methodist Church and I teach part-time (as of this year) at a small Christian school in Tomball, Texas. Most of you know that neither working in the ministry nor teaching at a private school equate to large salaries unless we're talking Willow Creek or Lakewood (the mega-churches in Chicago and Houston) or a prestigious private school like Episcopal High School. To be quite upfront, we make just enough. We are blessed that we have no consumer debt (other than our mortgage), but much of that is because Erik teaches music lessons privately on the side in addition to the lessons he teaches to raise money for his music ministry at the church. He works a 65-75 hour work week on average- give or take a few hours. Please DO NOT take mistake this for a complaint...far from it! I am just trying to lay out the big picture and how it relates to today's scripture.
Our schedule is...ummm...semi-organized chaos. That's the most accurate way I can describe it. He works Sunday-Thursday, and most Fridays and Saturdays in some capacity. Some days are 15 hour days. I work half-days Monday through Friday, then home-school in the afternoon. This doesn't account for handbells or carpooling or the other countless minor details like dinner, bathtime, etc. that make each day feel like whiplash. I am sure you can commiserate! At the end of each day, the way life is now, I can honestly say I do not spend enough time with my family. I do not spend quality time talking with my children, encouraging them, loving them or raising them. It's, "Hurry up! Get dressed! Finish your dinner! Get your work done! Let's go, we're running late!" My mother and father, who are at a point in their life where they should not have a schedule, live by our schedule. So, when Erik mentioned me staying at home, I am sure you can now see why it seemed like the right thing to do.
The reality is, however, that most days I want to scream, "But what about money? What about insurance?" And some days I do. Because, short of the Lord's provision, I have no idea how we are going to survive come January. But that is why the scripture in Numbers hit me so hard. "I said I would reward you handsomely, but the Lord has kept you from being rewarded!" The Lord doesn't keep up from rewards, his rewards are eternal. We so often, in fact probably most often, measure rewards by their immediacy and quantity. And sometimes an immediate and bountiful reward might be heaven-sent. But looking through the Bible, is that the way God usually works? He is ALWAYS faithful and an ever-present God, but let's look at the Israelites. Time and time again they complained and wanted Canaan YESTERDAY. They wanted to be rewarded in the short-term, but they couldn't be obedient in the short-term. On many occasions, God had to prove his presence to them. And that was always followed with an, "I told you so," by God. I don't want an "I told you so!" Had the Israelites been obedient in the short-term, it wouldn't have taken decades to reach the land that had been promised. I want to be obedient in the short-term so that I can reach the promised land.
I am no different than the Israelites, I am terrified! I will not have my job in January, our family will likely pay out-of-pocket for insurance with a decrease in family income, and I truly don't know how it's going to be done. But despite all of the fear, I know I am being obedient and that I am being refined. I also know that the work Erik does is beyond a paycheck and has eternal effects, whether it be at CUMC or elsewhere. As a Christian, I have hope in that which is eternal. Through our obedience I understand that our family will be handsomely rewarded. And I also know that God will give us provision as we obey. I look forward with great anticipation to the opportunity to share with you just how He does through this year of nothing.
My son and I were reading out of the book of Numbers for his Bible lesson for school and one simple scripture left me awestruck. The scripture surrounds the story of the Israelites in the plains of Moab. Balak, king of the Moabites, who feared that the Israelites were too great in number and would take over his land. He sent word of this fear to Balaam, an oracle, so that Balaam could curse the Israelites. The Lord sent an angel to speak to Balaam (via a donkey) warning him against speaking any words against God's people. Balaam obeyed, and Balak was incensed. "Then Balak's anger burned against Balaam. He struck his hands together and said to him, 'I summoned you to curse my enemies, but you have blessed them these three times. Now leave at once and go home! I said I would reward you handsomely, but the Lord has kept you from being rewarded!" (Numbers 24:10-11) My internal jaw dropped! That one line spoke volumes to me, not just given my current (or impending) situation, but struck me to the core about the way I understand what it means to be handsomely rewarded.
If some of you are just reading my blog, it was started because of a call from God to support my husband and my family by being at home and giving up who I currently am for who God wants me to be. And I have spoken briefly about the burden that will put on us. Without going into great detail, I feel I need to give you a little more of the big picture. For those of you who don't know my family very well or have been out of touch with us for a time, Erik is the Worship Arts Director at Cypress United Methodist Church and I teach part-time (as of this year) at a small Christian school in Tomball, Texas. Most of you know that neither working in the ministry nor teaching at a private school equate to large salaries unless we're talking Willow Creek or Lakewood (the mega-churches in Chicago and Houston) or a prestigious private school like Episcopal High School. To be quite upfront, we make just enough. We are blessed that we have no consumer debt (other than our mortgage), but much of that is because Erik teaches music lessons privately on the side in addition to the lessons he teaches to raise money for his music ministry at the church. He works a 65-75 hour work week on average- give or take a few hours. Please DO NOT take mistake this for a complaint...far from it! I am just trying to lay out the big picture and how it relates to today's scripture.
Our schedule is...ummm...semi-organized chaos. That's the most accurate way I can describe it. He works Sunday-Thursday, and most Fridays and Saturdays in some capacity. Some days are 15 hour days. I work half-days Monday through Friday, then home-school in the afternoon. This doesn't account for handbells or carpooling or the other countless minor details like dinner, bathtime, etc. that make each day feel like whiplash. I am sure you can commiserate! At the end of each day, the way life is now, I can honestly say I do not spend enough time with my family. I do not spend quality time talking with my children, encouraging them, loving them or raising them. It's, "Hurry up! Get dressed! Finish your dinner! Get your work done! Let's go, we're running late!" My mother and father, who are at a point in their life where they should not have a schedule, live by our schedule. So, when Erik mentioned me staying at home, I am sure you can now see why it seemed like the right thing to do.
The reality is, however, that most days I want to scream, "But what about money? What about insurance?" And some days I do. Because, short of the Lord's provision, I have no idea how we are going to survive come January. But that is why the scripture in Numbers hit me so hard. "I said I would reward you handsomely, but the Lord has kept you from being rewarded!" The Lord doesn't keep up from rewards, his rewards are eternal. We so often, in fact probably most often, measure rewards by their immediacy and quantity. And sometimes an immediate and bountiful reward might be heaven-sent. But looking through the Bible, is that the way God usually works? He is ALWAYS faithful and an ever-present God, but let's look at the Israelites. Time and time again they complained and wanted Canaan YESTERDAY. They wanted to be rewarded in the short-term, but they couldn't be obedient in the short-term. On many occasions, God had to prove his presence to them. And that was always followed with an, "I told you so," by God. I don't want an "I told you so!" Had the Israelites been obedient in the short-term, it wouldn't have taken decades to reach the land that had been promised. I want to be obedient in the short-term so that I can reach the promised land.
I am no different than the Israelites, I am terrified! I will not have my job in January, our family will likely pay out-of-pocket for insurance with a decrease in family income, and I truly don't know how it's going to be done. But despite all of the fear, I know I am being obedient and that I am being refined. I also know that the work Erik does is beyond a paycheck and has eternal effects, whether it be at CUMC or elsewhere. As a Christian, I have hope in that which is eternal. Through our obedience I understand that our family will be handsomely rewarded. And I also know that God will give us provision as we obey. I look forward with great anticipation to the opportunity to share with you just how He does through this year of nothing.
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