Not on Bread Alone

I have enjoyed watching the birds outside for the last several days.  I am not a bird watcher, but have been fascinated by their behavior lately, and it made me consider my own.



We usually bring home leftover communion bread from church every week.  If you're not familiar with communion, it is the taking of bread (symbolizing the body of Christ broken on the cross) and juice (symbolizing the blood shed) in remembrance and thanks of Jesus' sacrifice for our salvation.  Both are blessed by the pastors (priests, etc) and served to the congregation.  Having been blessed and representing the body of Christ, it cannot be thrown away- both the bread and juice must be returned to nature.  When Erik brings the bread home after church, if it has been partially used for the communion sacrament, we throw it out for the birds.  



I had thrown out almost an entire loaf one morning, and within minutes we had a dozen birds in our tiny back yard, eagerly devouring the morsels I had put out.  They were so happy and singing, and it made me wonder if they knew what they were eating.  Did they know they it was the body of Christ?  As the boys and I watched, it made me stop and think if I did the same.  Do I spend my day watching and waiting for Christ?  Do I sit down and eagerly devour His word?  The scripture that came to mind was Matthew 4:4 (Deuteronomy 8:3), "Man must not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of God." 



I have been searching and praying lately that God reveal what it is I am to be doing for him.  I look around me and see so many people my age who have amazing talents, fabulous jobs, are incredible mothers, and I can't help but feel like I've missed something.  And then I remember that I am in a year of nothing...nothing for myself, but all for others.  It is so easy for me to sit idle and wait for God to come to me.  That's not how he works.  We cannot know him unless we actively seek and search for him. 


So I will continue to meditate on where it is he needs me, and I think I know.  My desire is to be like the birds- to seek him enthusiastically, to wait and watch eagerly for him, to devour his word- I will pray the same for you.  


We cannot live on bread alone, we must seek God and know Him through his son, Jesus Christ.

Joy!

This week has been a battle! No matter where I have looked, however, I have witnessed and experienced 
pure joy

 - and trust me, this week has had it bumps!

 My husband and I were both involved in collisions this week.  Thankfully, no involved parties were injured.  A year ago, it would have ruined my week.  "I can't believe this happened to me!  I can't believe I have to deal with these people and the insurance company!  I can't believe my husband's car has damage and now we are going to have to get it fixed.  I can't believe our premiums are going up!"  Me, me, me, I, I, I...

I realized Tuesday night, after all of this had happened, that I was smiling and laughing about it all.  Of course I understand the seriousness of the situation, but I also realized very quickly that it could have been much worse.   My family was safe, we were talking and breathing and laughing, and for that, I am so thankful.  



I also have noticed how happy my youngest son (6 months old) has been.  He is teething, congested, and has fairly severe eczema that can appear very painful.  I get the sniffles and I am whiny, but he is so happy and content nearly all of the time.  It reminds me of a verse that we have listened to on one of my son's school CD's this week..."Give thanks in all circumstances.  For this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." I Thes. 5:18.  Despite all of our problems, or having two wrecks, or how we feel, we are told to give thanks.  



I had previously talked about beginning to teach Samuel, a young man from Uganda who has recently been adopted by a friend.  I have had the pleasure of teaching him two days this week, and that child is nothing but smiles!  His favorite song..."Don't Worry, Be Happy!"   Knowing a little bit about the child's background, if anyone has the right to complain, or worry, or be angry, it is Samuel. Every time you look at him, though, he is smiling and laughing and so thankful for everything he has.  He tells his family, "No complaining!"  WOW, if that is not convicting to we Americans, who have everything and thus, complain about everything!  My favorite thing about Samuel is watching him dance.  I am white, as white as they come, and cannot dance whatsoever, so I am taken by anyone with rhythm.  I played our Bob Marley and the Wailers CD while he and Ephraim were eating lunch, and I look up to see Samuel dancing and trying to teach Ephraim to do the same, both of them smiling from ear to ear.  That much joy was contagious.



As I move through the year of nothing, I am finding that materialism and joy are indirectly proportional.  I am far from literally having nothing, but have had to give up some "luxuries" and be more content with what I have, only to find that my level of joy has greatly increased.  I am reading a book my Adam Hamilton titled 24 Hours That Changed the World.  Its focus is the last 24 hours of the life of Jesus leading up to the crucifixion.  If you are not familiar with the story of the crucifixion, the books of the gospel (Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John) paint a picture of unimaginable torture, humiliation, and isolation both physically and spiritually.  Yet, with sacrificial love, Christ refused offers of myrrh (a known pain reducer), in order to fully take on the pain of humanity, understanding his purpose as the Son of Man and the sacrifice for a hurting world.  

There is no record of smiling and laughing- the pain was undoubtedly unbearable- but some of his last words were those of the promise of a new life to the man hanging on the cross next to him, saying, "I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise." (Luke 23:43).  Adam  Hamilton says in chapter five of his book, "[Jesus] has set an example for us of a kind of love that alone has the power to save humanity..."  Have you ever tried to love without joy?  The two are inseparable, for God is the embodiment of both (I John 4:8, Luke 10:21, Ps. 43:4).  You might not believe in Christ as more than a mere man or prophet, but you cannot escape the fact that he willingly gave of himself for what he believed was a divine purpose.  



So, I have learned that 

With little, there is much.



My challenge for you is to find joy where you are, and my prayer for you is that you find that joy through the love of Jesus Christ!

Mission: Ugandan

It has been a long while since I have felt inspired enough to share more about my year of nothing, so I will catch you up on some things that are new in my life.

First, and foremost, I am now a stay-at-home mom. 

After almost eleven years of teaching math, science, and music to Kindergartners through Seniors, I have traded in the Teacher title for Mom.  I still teach, as I teach my Kindergartner at home, and I tutor some, but I am, for the most part, just Mom. 

Second, I am a full-time wife.

It seems that this is a reiteration of the first, but I understand them very differently.  If you remember the beginning of my blog, this was to be a year of obedience to Christ which began with obedience to my husband. [I know that the term submission makes some of you squirm in your seat, but in my view this is my way of honoring God...through honoring and supporting my husband as he honors God.]  So I finally quit my job to stay at home, but the majority of my acceptance of that is because I knew I needed to fill in the gaps at home that Erik has not had time to fill.  The house needed to be fairly clean, the clothes should be washed (and ironed, but that has yet to get done)- basically he should be able to focus on work, and when he comes home he should be able to focus on his family.  For those of you who aren't into the pearls-and-heels imagery, keep in mind that there are weeks that Erik works 80 hours, and he is currently working a part-time job on top of his full-time position at the church.  And besides, I don't own a string of pearls :)

Third, I am so excited to have the opportunity to home-school a child from Uganda. 

This is one of the most amazing stories that I have ever heard, and I am so excited that I get to be a part of it, albeit a small part.  This truly is a testimony to how great God is and that he still works miracles today.  Here is the link to Samuel's story.  I promise you cannot watch it without being moved.

http://vimeo.com/17950987

I have been trying to use my time at home to refocus on my relationship with Christ.  For so long, I have struggled with finding time to read the Bible, knowing the whole time that my relationship can't improve if I am not seeking him and spending time in the Word.  So I have resolved to begin by reading the book of Acts, and am taken by how the apostles gave themselves wholly over to Christ without hesitation or reservation.  They knew their calling and their mission, and were fearless.  I got to thinking that I have no idea what my calling is or what my mission is.  What am I uniquely designed for, and where is my mission field? 

So I prayed that the Lord would reveal to me where I was needed and to give me passion for something like he gave the apostles.  That evening, I got a call from my friend Angie, who was interested in finding a part-time teacher for Samuel.  If you have taken the time to watch the video, you will know this is no small task.  Not because Samuel is difficult, but because he is marked for the Kingdom!  I was so excited to be a part of this child's story, and ultimately the Lord's great calling for him!  This is my mission right now. And the most amazing part- my mission field is my home, right where the Lord has placed me.  I will start teaching him next week.

I am so humbled to know how much God loves me and how he listens intently to the cries of his children.  I forget that, and sometimes find myself doubting that he hears me at all.  Then I remember that his Word is inerrant, and it says that I am his friend and he knows me intimately, down to the last hair on my head.  If he knows that, he certainly knows my needs and hears my cries.  Nothing is too small or too great for my God!

In the Belly of a Whale

Oh my goodness, things are busy!  Shopping, parties, parties, shopping, and sometimes a little church to remind us of the purpose behind the season.  Don't think I'm pointing fingers, here, I am right there with you.  Instead of just writing thoughts through these blogs, I've really tried to focus on lessons that I feel the Lord has laid on my heart to share and to learn for myself.  So in this very hectic season, one has stuck with me for the past few weeks that I wanted to share.


The scripture is from Jonah chapter 1 verses 15-17.  "Then they took Jonah and threw him overboard, and the raging sea grew calm...  But the Lord provided a great fish to swallow Jonah, and Jonah was inside the fish three days and three nights."  I love reading the story of Jonah because it reminds me that I am not alone in my shortcomings.  I suppose I find solidarity with Jonah.  God gives Jonah an assignment, which Jonah promptly ignores (in fact, runs the other direction), others have to pay for his mistake, he gets punished, quickly asks for mercy, then ends up doing the assignment anyway.  It is just like me to do things the hardest way possible.  And then Jonah turns around and scolds God for being God (having mercy on the Ninevites)!  Oh my, sooo convicting.


The thing that I got out of this several weeks ago was one word, provided.  Think about what that word means.  According to Webster, there are three options: to make preparation to meet a need, to take precautionary measures, and to make a proviso or stipulation.  All three apply, but the application of the primary is my intent.  God PREPARED a whale for Jonah.  We all pray for provision, but how many of us would consider three days in the belly of a leviathan provision from God?  We (or maybe not you, but I) call on the Lord for so many things that I think must clearly be in his will, things that I want or need for me or for others.  And so often I don't see answers.  Could it be that he is providing, but I am not seeing it because it's not MY idea of provision?

Consider the second part of that definition, "to meet a need."  Who's need was he meeting?  Certainly he saved Jonah, but why?  Because God had a job that needed to be done.  Which brings me to the "proviso."  God saved Jonah knowing that he needed Jonah to go to Ninevah.  I can imagine God saying,  "Sure, I'll save you, but you STILL have to go do the assignment I told you about!" Not only did God save Jonah with the massive provision, but he used it to change Jonah's heart, even if only temporarily.  So sometimes what we may view as a lack of provision may actually be God's providing a change of heart to more clearly understand and see his will.

Provision comes in all kinds of packages, but the ultimate provision came from the birth of a child.  And just like Jonah, God needs us and has an assignment for us.  And just like Jonah, salviation comes with a stipulation, that you believe in the one true God and the ultimate atonement for our sin, his son Jesus Christ.

As you go through the Christmas season, remember that you have been provided for!  It's not about what you get or even so much what you give.  It's not about what you don't get, not the answered prayers or unanswered prayers.  It's about what's been given to you from God, the Almighty Creator.  The precious gift of a life eternal with Jesus Christ.

 May you find comfort in a relationship with Christ like you have never known before, and a renewed sense of hope and peace in your own spiritual journey. 


Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! 
Patty

Out With the Old...

Today I realized something...

I truly am a new person in Christ.  

I have heard that in church all of my life.  "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!" 2 Corinthians 5:17.  I believed it, but for other people.

I have struggled with depression for a while, a long while.  Sometimes severe, other times, just enough to keep me feeling weighed down and separated.  There are several things to which I attribute this, but one has been with me since elementary school.  A lack of a true friendship (spouse excluded).  I had a "best friend," but I didn't exactly act like a friend.  I was so caught up in my personal insecurities that I was blinded by jealousy.  Looking back, it was really sad.  By my freshman year, I was so caught up in myself and the things I couldn't do that I lost not just one friend, but many.  Well, to be honest, it was more like ALL.  And I had lost sight of myself.


Have you ever felt abandoned?  I mean truly alone, with no one to listen to you, no one with whom you can talk, or vent, or laugh?  That was me.  Don't get me wrong, I had a very loving family (and then boyfriend, Erik).  But they do not fill the same role as a best friend, or even just a friend.  For years my friendships were short-lived and stressful!  The stress of befriending someone and dealing with the agony of pressure for a perfect friendship was way too much for me.  I came to fear, more than anything, rejection.  I was convinced that God allowed me that pain so that I would learn to rely on no one but Him.  


The years have gone by and I have continued to struggle, so much so that I stopped trying to find friends.  I decided that it was easier to assume people were always going to think the worst of me and I could get off easy by not even trying.  What was they point, anyway, if I was just going to get hurt in the end?  I stopped talking to people and became a kind of hermit, always finding excuses with my husband or kids or whatever else I could think of.  


But remember, this is the year of nothing.  So I have been trying to focus on others, service, and how I can become more like Christ.  I am a fan of facebook because I get to see the silly side of most of my friends and students.  The great side-effect of that is I also get to keep up with some of my former schoolmates.  As I said before, I had nearly lost all of my friends around the end of my freshman year.  I decided a couple of years ago to invite one of them to be my friend because I wanted to see what she was up to, where she was, you know!  And to be honest, I expected to be ignored.  To my surprise, I was accepted and I have enjoyed watching her family grow and see her achieve some pretty amazing things.  Then I noticed she was coming to Houston for a 2-month visit.  Maybe I should invite her over!!  Nah, she would never come and my house is not big enough and my kids are too loud, etc., etc., etc.  A few days ago, I got an email from her asking for a visit.  My first thought was literally, "Thank you God for a second chance!"  


She and her beautiful children came today and spent several hours.  I can honestly say that I was not nervous or jealous or worried about whether my house was perfect or my make-up was done or what my hair looked like.  I just so wanted to see her and talk to her. None of that old insecurity was there.  As we were talking, she actually brought up what had happened in high school, and I got the chance to apologize.  I cannot tell you how long I had waited for that opportunity!  And I heard something come out of my mouth that confirmed what Christ has been doing over the last several months..."I am really proud of who I have become."  It wasn't said as a statement of pride, but to let her know that I have changed, that I am truly a new person.  God had allowed me to prove who I had become and spend the afternoon serving this person whom I had wronged so many years ago.  I was so humbled, not because I felt awkward, but was humbled by God finding me so important that he gave me a second chance so that He could show me what He has been doing.  


I don't know that she'll ever quite understand the impact and sense of true happiness that she brought with her visit.


I pray that I am an encouragement to anyone who needs a second chance.  The Lord is a great orchestrator and He wants you to rely on Him for everything you need.  He truly is a God of second chances.  If you remember, Adam and Eve screwed up on something like pg. 6 in the Bible and the rest of the Word is spent describing the human condition.  But in every condition, in every circumstance, God was faithful.  He is unmovable.  I ask God that he show you how He can work in your life.  In reading this, you have been prayed for!

Delayed Riches

Some of the Lord's most amazing lessons have come with great conviction.  Not to mention humility. Isn't that always the way?  God doesn't work that way to punish us, but to mold us into who we need to be.   James 1:3 says that trials are for perseverance.  It is a refiner's fire, like the story of the silversmith telling how he knows when silver is completely purified and when to remove it from the fire..."When I see my own image."  That is how God works in us- he purifies, teaches, molds through trials, lessons, and the study of his Word- until we begin to be the image of Christ.  It is safe to say that I am no where close to being purified and the full image of Christ, but I have been under fire for sure.


My son and I were reading out of the book of Numbers for his Bible lesson for school and one simple scripture left me awestruck.  The scripture surrounds the story of the Israelites in the plains of Moab.  Balak, king of the Moabites, who feared that the Israelites were too great in number and would take over his land.  He sent word of this fear to Balaam, an oracle,  so that Balaam could curse the Israelites.  The Lord sent an angel to speak to Balaam (via a donkey) warning him against speaking any words against God's people.  Balaam obeyed, and Balak was incensed. "Then Balak's anger burned against Balaam.  He struck his hands together and said to him, 'I summoned you to curse my enemies, but you have blessed them these three times.  Now leave at once and go home!  I said I would reward you handsomely, but the Lord has kept you from being rewarded!" (Numbers 24:10-11)  My internal jaw dropped!  That one line spoke volumes to me, not just given my current (or impending) situation, but struck me to the core about the way I understand what it means to be handsomely rewarded.


If some of you are just reading my blog, it was started because of a call from God to support my husband and my family by being at home and giving up who I currently am for who God wants me to be.  And I have spoken briefly about the burden that will put on us.  Without going into great detail, I feel I need to give you a little more of the big picture.  For those of you who don't know my family very well or have been out of touch with us for a time, Erik is the Worship Arts Director at Cypress United Methodist Church and I teach part-time (as of this year) at a small Christian school in Tomball, Texas.  Most of you know that neither working in the ministry nor teaching at a private school equate to large salaries unless we're talking Willow Creek or Lakewood (the mega-churches in Chicago and Houston) or a prestigious private school like Episcopal High School.  To be quite upfront, we make just enough.  We are blessed that we have no consumer debt (other than our mortgage), but much of that is because Erik teaches music lessons privately on the side in addition to the lessons he teaches to raise money for his music ministry at the church.  He works a 65-75 hour work week on average- give or take a few hours.  Please DO NOT take mistake this for a complaint...far from it!  I am just trying to lay out the big picture and how it relates to today's scripture.


Our schedule is...ummm...semi-organized chaos.  That's the most accurate way I can describe it.  He works Sunday-Thursday, and most Fridays and Saturdays in some capacity.  Some days are 15 hour days.  I work half-days Monday through Friday, then home-school in the afternoon.  This doesn't account for handbells or carpooling or the other countless minor details like dinner, bathtime, etc. that make each day feel like whiplash.  I am sure you can commiserate!  At the end of each day, the way life is now, I can honestly say I do not spend enough time with my family.  I do not spend quality time talking with my children,  encouraging them, loving them or raising them.  It's, "Hurry up!  Get dressed!  Finish your dinner!  Get your work done!  Let's go, we're running late!"  My mother and father, who are at a point in their life where they should not have a schedule, live by our schedule.  So, when Erik mentioned me staying at home, I am sure you can now see why it seemed like the right thing to do.


The reality is, however, that most days I want to scream, "But what about money?  What about insurance?"  And some days I do.  Because, short of the Lord's provision, I have no idea how we are going to survive come January.   But that is why the scripture in Numbers hit me so hard.  "I said I would reward you handsomely, but the Lord has kept you from being rewarded!"  The Lord doesn't keep up from rewards, his rewards are eternal.  We so often, in fact probably most often, measure rewards by their immediacy and quantity.  And sometimes an immediate and bountiful reward might be heaven-sent.  But looking through the Bible, is that the way God usually works?  He is ALWAYS faithful and an ever-present God, but let's look at the Israelites.  Time and time again they complained and wanted Canaan YESTERDAY.  They wanted to be rewarded in the short-term, but they couldn't be obedient in the short-term.  On many occasions, God had to prove his presence to them.  And that was always followed with an, "I told you so," by God.  I don't want an "I told you so!"  Had the Israelites been obedient in the short-term, it wouldn't have taken decades to reach the land that had been promised.   I want to be obedient in the short-term so that I can reach the promised land.



I am no different than the Israelites, I am terrified!  I will not have my job in January,  our family will likely pay out-of-pocket for insurance with a decrease in family income, and I truly don't know how it's going to be done.  But despite all of the fear, I know I am being obedient and that I am being refined.  I also know that the work Erik does is beyond a paycheck and has eternal effects, whether it be at CUMC or elsewhere.  As a Christian, I have hope in that which is eternal.  Through our obedience I understand that our family will be handsomely rewarded.  And I also know that God will give us provision as we obey.  I look forward with great anticipation to the opportunity to share with you just how He does through this year of nothing.

Me and the Measure of Things

Since I last updated, it has been my prayer that the Lord would speak through my post to someone who has read it.  That continues to be my prayer.  I do not write out of frivolity, but I want every word to be deliberate and anointed, and as I type I am praying that God reveal himself through me because I am a Moses!  Not eloquent in speech, but certainly a willing vessel.

I have been thinking a lot lately about measurement.  No, not because I am a math teacher, but because I have countless measurements on myself.  We all measure ourselves.   Whether it be by weight, height, number of friends, how many charities to which we give, our income, we all do it.  I alluded in my previous post to a tendency toward self-doubt.  That is truly glossing over a severe and deep problem I have struggled with for as long as I can remember.   My first memory of measuring myself was in Kindergarten going to the bus stop.  My mother wanted me to wear a hat because it was cold outside.  At five years old, I refused.  Not out of defiance toward my mother, but I was terrified by what others might say.  What if they laughed at me?  What if I was made fun of?  You see, I was measuring myself by a standard that I had put on others.  Chances are they wouldn't have cared, but I still refused.  My dear mother still reminds me of that every once in a while, by the way.  I still suffer from this, only worse if you can believe it.

For years I have worn labels.  I seem to love labels, and some of them are positive- Math teacher, music teacher, Christian- but that's where the positives stop.  Fat (which I know in my head is ridiculous!), stupid, unproductive, unloved, unlovable, ugly...the list could go on and on.  Those have been my mantras for years.  So, as I have begun this year of nothing, I have realized that in order to truly experience nothing, I must rid myself of...well...myself!  How does the song go?  "So long self, well it's been fun but I have found somebody else.  So long self, there's just no room for two, so you are gonna have to move.  So long self, don't take this wrong but you are wrong for me.  Farewell, oh well, good bye, don't cry.  So long self!"  God's word says in Romans Chapter 6, "In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus."  What a calling!

In order to do this, in order to truly change who I am to a new person in Christ, we are called to be servants.  That's where my focus has been, finding new ministries in which to become involved, and looking for ways to serve those around me.  That bringst me to my students at RCS.  Last year I had an amazing opportunity.  I was so excited to teach choir and pass on my passion for music and love kids outside of a strictly academic situation.  You would have thought that I would have been in the perfect position.  I was, but I blew it.  Not everything was negative.  There were lots of things that I am really proud of, but I blew the opportunity to have or maintain relationships with 7 of the most amazing kids!  Enter personal labels again.  I was underqualified for the position, and was absolutely beside myself worrying about the students finding out.  I was convinced that they wouldn't receive my teaching if I weren't perfect.  I was under the delusion that not only did they know more than me, but they wanted someone who could sing perfectly, organize and direct flawless performances, and teach them everything there was to know about being in a choir.  I had set myself up for failure, projecting my insecurity and personal expectations on to children!

So I took it upon myself, this week, an entire year later, to begin repairing what I had broken.  I LOVED these kids (and still do) tremendously.  If I am going to change who I am, and get rid of my old self, then I had to die to that sin.  I could no longer give it authority over who I am to become in Christ.  I have written two students so far, and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done.  Admitting a mistake is admission of failure (another label)!  Much to my surprise neither of the students seemed to be nearly as disappointed in my as I was and one of them has asked that we please continue to build our friendship.  Yes, this is from a student!  All of those things that I had worried about, all of those measurements that I had put on myself, were false.

I will continue to repair what I damaged last year, but my main goal is to give as much of myself as I can to things that are not me-centric.  As a dear friend recently said, "I think mothers are supposed to give of themselves until they have nothing left and then start over.  We're like sponges.  When we're rung out, we just refill and go again."  Amen!  I think that can be said for the Christian life in general, not just mothers.

If you don't know the Christ I am talking about, of if you have struggled with negativity and self-doubt, Christ is calling you right where you stand.  He has never left you because he tells us in Hebrews 13:5 that he will NEVER leave us or forsake us.  It doesn't say that he'll get mad and leave, and maybe when you straighten your life out, he'll come back.  The God I serve is a master at fixing broken lives, and he desires to fix yours.  He is looking forward with anticipation the day that you invite him!